Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
