So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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