I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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