My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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