dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
