he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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