My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
