so explain again why im purple
no
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
