he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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