Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
