i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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