Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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