____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
