if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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