Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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