toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
