dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh god it's open bar.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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