just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think my vagina is haunted
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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