Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
