im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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