Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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