If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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