I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
