I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
