lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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