I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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