I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
