Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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