when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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