I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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