and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
