Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
