so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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