im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
