did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My breasts were aching with rage.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
