I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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