My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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