some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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