Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
