i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
