I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
