i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
