Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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