dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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