Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
