We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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