i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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