just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
