I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
