the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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